How to Fix the World (Badly)

A Masterclass in Economic Sadism

Welcome to the masterclass, folks — brought to you by the brilliant minds who gave us recessions, austerity, bailouts, and the idea that trickle-down economics is anything other than a warm puddle under a golden toilet.

Let’s begin with the fundamentals: money is made up. That’s right. A few centuries ago, some powdered wig said, “This piece of paper has value,” and everyone nodded like hypnotized pigeons. Today, central banks type zeroes into existence like a caffeinated intern with a God complex. Poof! Wealth. But only for the right people.

Step 1: No Wealth Tax, Ever

Why tax wealth when you can tax work? It’s a genius move. The billionaire class lounges on a yacht shaped like a dolphin’s tear, paying less tax than the schoolteacher who commutes to three jobs. Fair? Of course not. Efficient? Hell yes — for them.

Step 2: Tax the Peasants (But Nicely)

Need more revenue? Don't tap the 1% — they're fragile and might relocate to Monaco. Instead, raise income tax, sales tax, inheritance tax, and invent something like an "air usage fee." Call it “shared sacrifice,” while Jeff from the Cayman Islands gives a TED Talk about grit.

Step 3: Crash the Economy (Creatively)

Don’t waste a good crisis. A little market crash keeps people obedient. Layoffs, foreclosures, and disappearing pensions — it’s just economic tough love. Let the central bank pretend it's surprised. Meanwhile, Goldman Lachs bets against the housing market again.

Step 4: Inflate the Debt, Increase the Interest

Why pay off debt when you can borrow more? Just raise interest rates when inflation (which you created) gets out of hand. Now the government pays more in debt interest than it does on education. Genius! The kids don’t need schools — they’ll grow up to be Uber drivers anyway.

Step 5: Seize Assets, Politely

Can’t afford your mortgage after the sixth rate hike? Aw. Here’s a foreclosure notice, lovingly signed by BlackDock. Don’t worry — your home will soon be part of a luxury rental portfolio. It’s called financialization. Sounds better than “theft.”

Step 6: Pretend It’s Fine

Flood the news cycle with “strong job numbers” (don’t mention they’re all part-time), post stock market charts (don’t mention who owns the stocks), and throw in a celebrity scandal to distract the masses. Kim Kardigan is launching an ETF? Brilliant.

Step 7: Write Reports No One Reads

The IMF, World Bank, and your local Ministry of Economic Blunders all release 200-page PDFs titled "Sustainable Prosperity in the Era of Spiraling Collapse." No one reads them. That’s the point.

And Finally… Blame the People

Blame the unemployed for not working, the poor for not saving, and renters for not buying homes at 11% interest rates. Say things like “pull yourself up by your bootstraps” — preferably while wearing designer loafers hand-stitched by underpaid workers in a factory you don’t care to locate.

In Conclusion:
Fixing the world? Please. That’s for idealists. The real strategy is to break it just enough to keep everyone running in place — anxious, indebted, and grateful for crumbs. Meanwhile, the rule-makers toast champagne to "market efficiency" and "responsible governance."

And you, dear reader, will wake up tomorrow in a system that makes you feel crazy — because you still think it’s supposed to make sense.